Managing Expectations
Have you, like me, been thinking about the New Year and the possibilities it holds? My last post was about making new year’s resolutions, and I mentioned two alternatives. The ideas came from my friend in Hawaii, David Jones. Check out his blog, Dancing Tree Frog here for more interesting, thought-provoking posts.
A few days ago, Paula RC Readman, a writer friend of mine, published an interesting post on her blog. In it, she discusses wishes, and specifically her wish for the new year and beyond. You can see Paula’s post here. and find out what her wish is!
Wishes, hopes, dreams. These are usually at the forefront of my mind at the start of a new year and having decided against the traditional resolution, I wondered if perhaps I wasn’t taking things seriously enough. A vague intention of trying to view things through more appreciative eyes is not easily measurable. How would I know if I’d succeeded? Worse, how would I know if I’d failed? And that thought brought me to the dreaded concept of failure.
Now, I have to admit to being a coward when it comes to failure. Yes, I understand that if you never fail at anything, you are unlikely to achieve anything either. The likelihood is that you’ve been playing safe and have not actually attempted anything. Still, I have a horror of failing. If I set myself a specific goal with a timeframe, I wouldn’t want to fail and that would mean I put myself under pressure. And if there’s one thing I dislike almost as much as failure, it’s pressure!
Perhaps, I wondered, was there a better way of dealing with things? Something to work towards but nothing that would break me with its demands.
So, I began to wonder about what I wanted to happen – my wishes and dreams for 2023. To me, wishes and dreams are kinder than goals, deadlines and demands. No pressure because a wish is just a wish – sometimes wishes come true and sometimes they don’t. I suppose, the responsibility is removed from me and placed more in the realms of fairy godmothers. How can I be considered a failure if my wish didn’t come true? A fairy godmother somewhere simply slipped up.
However, that throws up a whole new set of problems. Wishes and dreams can be rather unrealistic. They ought to be unrealistic. What’s the point of wishing or dreaming for something that’s almost certain to happen anyway or that’s well within your grasp? So, if you’re going to wish, wish big! But that is undoubtedly going to lead to disappointment. Along with failure and pressure, disappointment isn’t high on my list of must-haves.
Having been an extreme optimist for most of my life, I think I’ve now found a solution to dreaming big and then finding that my dreams were completely unrealistic. I’ve learnt to manage my expectations.
I suspect that people might find this rather a gloomy prospect because when I say I manage my expectations, I mean that although my dreams are stratospheric, I expect nothing. That sounds like a contradiction and perhaps it is, but in my mind, the two things are quite separate. For example, when I publish a book, I dream of it becoming a number 1 bestseller. However, if I manage my expectations, then I don’t expect it to sell a copy. ‘Not sell a copy?’ That sounds like extreme pessimism! And possibly it can be considered as such. But if I don’t expect to sell any copies of my new book and someone buys one, imagine the joy! And if I sell another one, I’m thrilled to bits! Two books sold when I didn’t expect to sell any!
However, if my dream had been to sell a dozen books and I only sold two, I’d be disappointed.
It’s all a matter of perspective and managing expectations. I have limitless dreams. I try to achieve them but I have zero expectations.
And how’s that working out for me so far this year? Completely against my expectations, it’s working rather well. Remember I said I had a dream of having a number one bestselling book? Well, a few days ago, The Finding of Eden the second book in the Lady Amelia Saga (see more about the books here) hit the number 1 spot in its category on Amazon and the first book in the series, The Duchess of Sydney was number 8.
Had I wished for that? Oh yes!
Did I expect it? Absolutely not.
Am I happy? Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
How do you manage your expectations? Let them run riot or keep them under check? Let me know…
4 responses to “Managing Expectations”
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I’m the same. I can’t cope with failure, yet it is important to at least try. If you never try you will never know whether you might have succeeded. I learnt to overcome my problems of not at least trying, when I visited my grandmother in hospital in the early 90’s. She was just recovering from her three heart attacks. In her 80’s she said to me as I entered her ward. “I have just been sitting here, thinking back over my life, what would have happened if I had taken a different route from the one I took.”
I decided that I didn’t want to wait until it was too late to change the course of my life, and began to take control, by making things happen. You only get one chance whether you fail or win it doesn’t matter but at least you gave it your best shot. And who knows you might learn something from your failure that will help you next time ☺️-
Yes, failure is so hard. But well done you, Paula for dealing with such pain and triumphing. I think one way I deal with it by pretending to myself I’m not really aiming at something. Then there are no markers to judge if I failed or succeeded!
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A thought provoking article, Dawn. Your mention of pessimism reminded me of my stated outlook on life for years as an optimistic pessimist. Sad to say I don’t have expectations any longer. I still have dreams … We should all cherish our dreams but expectations …? No.
There are too many factors that encompass a writer’s life, possibly more so than most other professions. The most telling of these are success or whatever we perceive that to be.
There are times that I want to be that younger writer with a dream and expectation I guess of being published one day. I can recall vividly the time and elation of my first short story sale and later of my first novel sale. But that joy has gone and I’m annoyed about that. Is it age or depression or simply boredom. Maybe I need to rekindle that enthusiasm but how? Sorry to be depressing but at least your article has prompted me to consider my writing future anew. Time, as they say, will tell.-
Hi Alan, I guess if there’s one thing I’ve learned about writing, it’s that it’s usually surprising. Just when you think you know what’s what, and where the horizon is, something different pops up and you find you can see further, to a different horizon! Suddenly, you have an opportunity or something you’d never have dreamt of. I have no idea how to rekindle things but I guess it might be an idea to look for something different that will grab your enthusiasm or stretch you. Perhaps even helping others to achieve, which I think is what you do as well in the U3A. But I’m pleased if my post gave you a reason to reconsider. It seems to me that New Years are a good time for that. Good luck in whatever you decided to do.
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